


Patronswap: Intermission

by HorizonTheTransient



Series: Patronswap [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Patronswap AU, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:12:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6142565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonTheTransient/pseuds/HorizonTheTransient
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When last we left our heroes(and one well-intentioned villain), they were floating near the Green Sun, ready to leave for the new session. This is what happened between their departure and their arrival.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Eridan walked out of the bathroom, running his hands through his hair to try to get it out of his face. He’d put on his old clothes(the wings retracted, thankfully), on account of all the viscera staining his God Tier clothes. That, and he happened to  _ like _ his old clothes. Which is why he  _ wore _ them.

“Are you ready?” Rose asked, jolting Eridan from his thoughts.

“Fucking- don’t  _ do _ that!” Eridan recoiled, one eye twitching. “Jesus christ, woman, I am on a hair trigger right now!”

“Right, I was hoping to defuse that...” Rose murmured, rubbing at the back of her neck. “Listen, about what I said earlier...”

“Save it.” Eridan turned away from her. “You’re clearly over the moon for Kan, and I can accept that. I’ll just try someone else.”

“Like hell you will.” Rose grabbed him by the scarf, pulling him back towards her. “I lied when I said I wasn’t interested, you know.”

“I- wh- uh-” Eridan’s mind went blank as he tried to process what was going on.

“I told you, didn’t I? I’m very good at finding third options.” Rose turned him around, looking him in the eyes. “One alien lover is nice, but I’d imagine two is better than one.”

“B- I-” Eridan continued, his brain scrambled like an egg. “...I am very confused.”

“I’ll explain in a few minutes.” Rose smirked, turning away and dragging him along. “For now... well, you’ll just have to trust me.”

“I had that coming but I’m still pissed.” Eridan grumbled.

\---

“So, uh... John.” Dave coughed, walking beside his best friend. “What’s up?”

“Eh, not much.” John shrugged, looking around and committing the layout of the meteor to memory. He’d be here a while, and it would be prudent to learn it. “Things are finally calming down...”

“I can stop seeing dead Daves everywhere...” Dave added. “Fucking hell, I’m gonna have nightmares about that shit. Knowing that if I fuck up, I die, and it won’t matter one bit? Fucking sucks. I hate time travel. Hate it, hate it, hate it.”

“Jeeze... That sounds pretty bad, yeah.” John nodded. “Sorry, man.”

“it’s not fun.” Dave shook his head. “But hey, now I get three more years of just farting around before apparently I gotta die a whole bunch of times all over again.”

“Do you need a hug?” John asked, planting a firm hand on Dave’s shoulder.

“...A hug would help, yeah.” Dave said after a pause.

\---

“...and here is the shipping wall.” Nepeta announced, opening up the door. “Took a while to update it, but it was worth it!”

“Wow, this is... big.” Jade muttered, glancing over it. “Huh... John and Dave pale... wouldn’t have thought of that one myself, but I can see it...”

“A good shipper covers all her bases.” Nepeta smirked, before pointing at another one. “John and Feferi are so pitch for each other it isn’t even funny. They might need an auspicetice, actually... Wonder if Kanaya is willing to do it?”

“Well, Kanaya is probably going to be busy for a while...” Jade mused. “I saw how her and Rose were looking at each other, you know.”

“That one really came out of the blue for me...” Nepeta groaned. “Really messed up a few of my ships. Now I have to pair Ampurra off with someone else, if we wanna avoid his constant bitching. Which, trust me, we do.”

“He killed half of the people on the meteor, so that’s gonna be hard...” Jade groaned, rubbing at her temples. “Whatever, moving on. Dave and Sollux are a natural pitch pair, I can see that... and... Oh. Uh. I.” Jade stopped in her tracks, gears churning in her head like an unruly engine. “That’s.” The drawing in question that gave Jade pause was Nepeta’s largest, most prominent drawing, of the two of them with a red heart between them.

“Oh! Uh... you, uh, weren’t supposed to see that yet, but... uh...” Nepeta fidgeted, gnawing her lip. “Well, um...”

There was a long pause, during which neither Nepeta nor Jade had any clue what to say. Finally, Jade broke the silence.

“I ship it.”

\---

“Hold the fuck up, you mean to tell me you shitcrumbs don’t have quadrants?” Karkat stood up, looking indignant. Not that he ever looked any other way, as far as anyone had ever seen. “That’s fucking impossible. How do you  _ function _ as a society without them?”

“How do you function  _ with _ them?” John folded his arms, resolving to be an uncooperative little shit and ask difficult questions. “They sound like some impractical romantic fantasy that doesn’t work in practice.”

“Yeah except they fucking  _ do _ , so kiss my waste chute, you perennial shitstain!” Karkat yelled. “Get comfortable, assholes, because I’m about to stuff the two-inch thick nookworm of truth straight up your collective ass! You are going to walk out of here a fucking certified expert on quadrants! You’ll write a fucking doctoral thesis about them afterwards, you hear me?!”

“Unfortunately.” Dave grumbled, covering his ears. “Can we not do this? I just want to sleep.”

“Well don’t do that in the goddamn common room, then!” Karkat pointed at the portal pad. “Go fucking claim a storage room and take a nap there. This room is not for napping, damnit!”

“Fine, fuck it.” Dave stood up from his spot on the couch. “Strider out, bitches.” Dave stepped onto the portal pad, and disappeared in a flash of light.

“Can’t believe he’s still tired after his little dirt nap.” Terezi snickered.

“Well, actually, he isn’t the only one who feels like catching some sleep...” John scratched at the back of his head, grateful to finally have the windsock off his head, even if it was attached to his shirt. “Bye, guys. Catch you later.” John followed Dave’s example, fucking right off.

“Great going, Karkles.” Terezi snickered. “Good to see you’re putting your best foot forward with the humans.”

“Fuck off.”

\---

“Well, I’m out.” Vriska announced, walking toward the exit. “There’s fuck all left for me here, and all the adventure is out there. Gotta find more irons for the fire, y’know?”

“I’m leaving too.” Aradia stepped forward. “I’m going to guide the spirits of the dead.”

“What? No. Fuck you, you two aren’t going anywhere.” Karkat looked up from his book, scowling. “Nobody gets left behind, damnit.”

“We aren’t being left behind, we’re just leaving.” Vriska shrugged. “And I  _ dare _ you to stop me. Don’t think your pet monster is gonna be any help, either. He’s probably crying in a corner or whatever right now.”

\---AT LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME TIME---

“It’s been a while since I got my horns polished...” Kanaya muttered, looking at Rose while Eridan carefully smoothed out the keratin with emery paper. “It’s always a pleasant experience.”

“Not to sound patronizing, but this is astoundingly cute.” Rose snickered. “Who would have thought Eridan had a talent for cosmetology?”

“What, did you not notice the fact that I’m the only person with dyed hair?” Eridan grunted, carefully working over the hook of Kanaya’s left horn. “A guy gets bored, living in the middle of a polluted ocean he can’t safely set foot in.”

\---BACK TO THE ACTION---

“Did you stick your bulge in a pencil sharpener? Because you’re missing the fucking point.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “I’m your goddamn leader, and my word is law. Nobody leaves.”

“Fuck that shit.” Vriska rolled her eyes. “I’m sick of this rock, and the assholes who live on it. All of you are cordially invited to kiss my ass.” And with that, Vriska stepped onto the portal pad, disappearing in a flash of white.

“I just... really want to see what’s out there.” Aradia shrugged. “Sorry.” She disappeared in a blur of red, which Karkat had learned to associate with time travel.

“Fucking... Fine. Whatever.” Karkat sat back down with a huff. “Who else wants to fuck right off? I give up. Go on ahead.”

“That’s everyone.” Terezi sighed, looking up from her husktop. “Don’t beat yourself up over it, there’s nothing you could’ve said to stop them.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.” Karkat sighed. “Whatever. Fuck it. I don’t care.”

“That’s the spirit.” Terezi started cackling.


	2. Chapter 2

“So, what’s your story, stranger?” Dave asked, approaching Damara.

“[Insert japanese innuendo here]” Damara rolled her eyes, folding her arms.

“Uh... I didn’t get any of that.” Dave frowned. “John?”

John was currently dying, trying  _ so hard _ to keep his laughter contained and failing.

“...Shit.” Damara muttered. “Was joke. Thought you not understand.”

“Did y- what did you say?” Dave switched his gaze between John(who was on the ground, cackling and snorting) and Damara(who looked slightly terrified). “The  _ hell _ did you say?”

“Uh...” Damara coughed. “Not want say.”

“That’s... okay, John, once you’re done imitating a hyena, I’m gonna need you to translate.” Dave scowled, staring at John and tapping his foot. “I’ll wait. I got time.”

\---

“What’re you drinking?” Rose asked, looking over at Eridan. The seadweller was currently sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, drinking a glass of some unidentified clear liquid.

“Only the best goddamn drink in the fuckin’ world, tha’s wha.” Eridan slurred, before draining his glass. “This, is di... diether... diethyl ethyl... ether. Fuck. Words are... hard.”

“...Are you drunk? Seriously?” Rose groaned, setting her book down. “Eridan, put the bottle away.”

“It’s away...” Eridan said quietly, eyes drifting closed. “Gonna... take a nap.”

“Oh goddamnit.” Rose pinched her nose, standing up from her chair. “Of course he’s got a drug problem. This is exactly what I needed in my life.” She walked over to Eridan’s unconscious form, and hefted him up and onto her shoulder. “I love you, but you’re an idiot.” She carried him over to the bed, and set him down, draping a sheet over him.

\---

“So you merged with your dreamself, and since that was merged with your dog, you merged with your dog, too?” Nepeta summarized, rubbing Jade’s ears. “Huh. Maybe I should’ve merged my dreamself with something... instead, it just got killed on Derse.”

“My dreamself and the seadweller’s dreamself both were exiled.” Equius muttered, looking away. “That has left me with strange hallucinations while I sleep.”

“That’s called dreaming.” Jade pointed out. “Have you never dreamed before?”

“Trolls sleep in sopor slime, which suppresses think pan functions.” Equius explained. “It dulls our irritability which would otherwise result from the nightmares endemic to our people, by keeping us from having said nightmares. Seadwellers are unafflicted by the nightmares, by some quirk of biology. I am not sure how, I simply know that is the case.”

“Oh, okay.” Jade nodded. “Well, humans don’t have sopor slime, we just sleep on beds, and we let the dreams happen. Sometimes we get nightmares, but not usually. Sometimes we just don’t dream, in fact.”

“Hrm.” Equius hummed in consideration. “That is... interesting. I will keep that in mind.”

“I don’t think we have any more sopor slime...” Nepeta frowned. “Sorry, Equius.”

“I likely will not need it.” Equius shook his head. “It is no concern.”

\---

“Look, it’s simple.” Karkat groaned. “There’s a person. They’re great, except for some pretty glaring personal flaws that frustrate the hell out of you. That’s your kismesis. Fishdick didn’t understand that, which is why he went after Sollux percussive metal shaper and insulative reach extenders.”

“So... hammer and tongs?” John attempted to translate. “Can you  _ please _ talk like a normal person?”

“It’s endearing!” Feferi protested.

“Cake-lovers don’t get a vote!” John declared, standing up from the couch.

“John, you sit your ass right the fuck back down before I kick it up into your nasal cavity!” Karkat yelled.

“I don’t feel like it.” John shrugged, starting to walk off. “Thanks for the long, confusing ramble about alien romance I don’t care about! I’ll remember it five years from now when I’m trying to sleep, making me curse your name and your people!”

John left the room, and both Karkat and Feferi groaned.

“I tried. I fucking tried.” Karkat groaned.

“Who cares?” Feferi stood up, scowling. “You just ruined my pitch prospects, you... ugh, I can’t deal with this right now.” She headed for the exit, spades in her eyes.

“What a bitch...” Karkat grumbled, spades forming in his own eyes.

\---

“So, her and Kar, huh?” Eridan chuckled softly, a hint of a smile creeping onto his face. “Well, can’t say they don’t deserve each other.”

“I thought you were pale for Karkat.” Terezi asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Was.” Eridan shrugged. “He sent death threats at me near the end of the game, though, and... well, that’s a bit of a mood killer, isn’t it? Hard to be pale for someone who wants you dead. Which, you know, now I know why he said what he said, and I’ll agree I had that coming, but justice in advance isn’t something I’m overmuch a fan of.”

“Speaking of justice, don’t think I’ve forgotten what you did.” Terezi met his eyes, her piercing red glaring into his slightly tinted orange. “Justice will come eventually, seadweller.”

“See, it’s shit like that.” Eridan pointed at her vaguely. “Shit like that makes my heart retract into my fucking kidneys. Kills any sort of mood that  _ isn’t _ caliginous, really. Is that what you’re getting at here, Ter?”

“Eugh, no.” Terezi shook her head. “Hell no. No offense, Ampora, but you’re just a dick. You’re not my fated rival.”

“Fate counts a lot less than you think it would, here in the gaps.” Eridan looked away. “We can do whatever, and as long as everyone’s alive and well at the end, fate doesn’t give a shit what we do. We’re finally free... well, almost. But free enough.”

“And I’ll use that freedom to tell you to fuck right off.” Terezi snorted. “I’m not interested, Ampora.”

“Fair enough, but in case you ever change your mind, you know where I live.” Eridan shrugged. “Anyway, who else is gettin’ together?”

“Well, you didn’t hear it from me, but...”

\---

“Goodnight, Kanaya. Goodnight, Eridan.”

“Goodnight, Rose. Goodnight, Eridan.”

...

“...Eridan?”

“Oh for- he fell asleep already.”

“Oh well. At least he waited until now to take the ether.”


End file.
